Disco Horror

Important Question For The Internet: is “St. Etienne,” the famous British recording artist, actually a saint (in the religious sense)?

I have been misled before, you know—Saint Vincent, the “independent music artist” is not actually a saint, despite what this young man (who uses the “n-word” in a transgressive way) on U-Tube.com says—and I don’t want to get into another argument with my priest about this kind of thing, because I would rather not go to jail again, if possible.

But here is my dilemma, guys: If Saint Etienne is not actually a saint, whose special saint-power is to make good music, does that make me a blasphemer every time I listen to him, because I am calling him a saint? Also, if my religion (Christianity) does not think that Saint Etienne is a saint, does this make my religion wrong/for idiots?

I think I am going to start a new religion, called “The Church of St. Etienne.” You can join if you want, unless you have swine flu. We will meet every Wednesday and Sunday at my apartment and read each other testimonials about when we listened to St. Etienne that week, and maybe drink white wine with ice cubes and laugh at each other’s jokes. Sometimes someone will bring a small plate of home-baked cookies, and we can eat them while we talk about our religion, and grow closer to each other as friends.

There is already a controversy in my church that I just made up five minutes ago: what to do about this new version of Foxbase Alpha, which is called Foxbase Beta, and is a “remix” of the original album, Foxbase Alpha, by the famous American civil rights activist and Nation of Islam leader Richard X. Let me put this in a way everyone can understand: what if your holy book, the Koran, or Qu’ran, or whatever, was “remixed”? And instead of the Surah about Mohammed flying to the dome of the rock on a donkey, or whatever happens, instead Mohammed was turned into a 110-bpm slow-burning balearic piano jam. And what if you totally liked it more than the original Koran, like maybe, all the Koran ever wanted to be was this super thick cough-syrup house with jungle sounds. Wouldn’t that be controversial, if that happened with Saint Etienne?

Well guess what: it did.

And it tore my church apart.

Saint Etienne – Only Love Can Break Your Heart (Richard X Remix)

Tags: richard x, st etienne

This entry was posted on Monday, November 2nd, 2009 at 12:05 pm and is filed under Old-School Balearica. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.